Break Up Playlist.

I'm still processing things. There is a lot to process, so I'm using music to help me. Some songs are clichéd, some are a bit different, some are very personal to my break up. They are all therapeutic in their own way! 

(OK, I admit, I also put in some snide digs at my ex...but I feel better for it!)

That's Life- Frank Sinatra.

"You're ridin' high in April, shot down in May. But I know I'm gonna change my tune, when I'm back on top, back on top in June..." - Oh yes! I sure as hell was shot down in May- On the Western Ring Road, in case you'd forgotten. Hopefully I too will be back on top in June...or at the very least, July! 

Bloody Motherfucking Arsehole- Martha Wainwright. 

"I will not pretend, I will not put on a smile, I will not say I'm all right for you. When all I wanted was to be good…"- The title of this song also goes without saying...of course! 

Cell Block Tango- Chicago Cast.

“He had it coming, he only had himself to blame” – With everything I know about you, you’ll get your just desserts in time.

You Give Love a Bad Name- Bon Jovi.

“Shot through the heart…and you’re to blame”

Charmless Man- Blur

“I met him in a crowded room, where people go to drink away their gloom. He sat me down and so began, the story of a charmless man…”  Unfortunately the rest of the song lyrics don’t apply to you as you dropped out of high school and never drank, let alone cared about wine!

Ever Fallen in Love With Someone (You Shouldn’t have fallen in love with)- The Buzzcocks.

“You stir my natural emotions. You make me feel like I’m dirt…”

Mr. Vain- Culture Beat.

“Call me Mr. Vain”  OK, but your choice of tattoos says otherwise.

The Most Beautiful Lies- Clare Bowditch and the New Slang.

“You speak the most beautiful lies, lies. And I ran to fall for them every time

Every time.” And yes, I ran to them every time.

Coin Operated Boy- Dresden Dolls.

“Made of plastic, and elastic…” “ I can’t imagine flesh and blood could be this match…” ;)

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off- Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.

“ You say potato and I say patata” – Actually, you used to say ‘potato’ in a silly, Irish voice to take the piss out of my mother. You weren’t funny.

Go Your Own Way- Fleetwood Mac.

“Tell me why, everything turned around…”  ‘I just changed my mind’ isn’t a valid answer. You can call it another lonely day…

The Chain- Fleetwood Mac.

“I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain…”  Before you changed your mind of course. Damn your love, damn your lies.

Leave My Body- Florence and the Machine.

“I don’t want your future, I don’t need your past…”

One and Only- Chesney Hawkes.

“I am the one and only, you can’t take that away from me…”  

It Ain’t Me, Babe- Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash.

This whole song sums up our break up.

Love Will Tear Us Apart- Joy Division.

“Is it something so good just can't function no more?”  All my failings feel exposed.

Everyday I Love You Less and Less- Kaiser Chiefs.

“The doctor says all I need's pills and rest…”  Thank Goodness I qualify for Medicare rebates…

Addicted- Kelly Clarkson.

“It’s like I can’t see anything, Nothing but you, In my thoughts, in my dreams…” It’s like I’m not me… I will get back there.

Heartbreaker- Led Zeppelin.

“Go Away, Heartbreaker”

Peachy- Missy Higgins.

“No of course you don’t, of course you don’t, you say life is peachy without me…” and I don’t understand how you can change your tone so quickly.

I’m OK By Myself- Morrissey.

“…and I don’t need you...”

Map of the Problematique- Muse.

“When will loneliness be over..?”

Holes- Passenger.

“He left a hole my heart, a hole in a promise, a hole in the side of my bed, but now that he’s gone, life carries on and I miss him like a hole in the head…”  Couldn’t have put it better myself. If you only check out one new artist this year, make it this guy.

Blind Love- Passenger.

“Trying to hold a love that wants to go, is like trying to catch a falling flake of snow…It glimmers while it can but melts between your hands…” Nothing I could have said or done would have changed your mind.

So What? -Pink.

“I’m still a rock star…”

Another One Bites the Dust- Queen.

Speaks for itself.

I Know It’s Over- The Smiths.

“I know it’s over, still I cling, I don’t where else I can go…”  It never really began, but in my heart it was so real…

I Started Something, I Couldn’t Finish- The Smiths.

Well, actually YOU started something, you couldn’t finish, hurting me in the process. I’d like to grab you by the guilded beams…

It’s Not Meant To Be- Tame Impala.

“and I boast that it’s meant to be, but in all honesty, I don’t have a hope in hell…”

Soldier On- Temper Trap

“Don’t think about it at all…” I’m trying so hard not to.

Any Kind-a Man- Tuba Skinny.

“coz’ any kind-a man, will be better than you…”  OK, so you should check out two new artists: Passenger and these guys. This song is one of my favourite songs to swing dance to and that makes me happy, so it’s a double whammy.

The Haircut- The Waifs.

“Don't you ever show your face here again

To me or any of my friends

'Cause I'm glad I found out what you're all about

When I finally fell down off my cloud…”

Without You- The Waifs.

“I think I like this view, Without you…”

Cheated Hearts- Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

“Cheated by the opposite of love…”  You think that you’re bigger than the sound.

Turn Into- Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

“I know, what I know…” and so do you. You can’t run from the inevitable.

Don’t Rain On My Parade- Bobby Darin.

“I’m gonna march my band out, I’ll beat my drum…NOBODY HAD BETTER RAAAAAIN ONNNNNNN MY PARADDDDDDE!”

Especially not you.

What he's missing...

An impromptu, post break up girls night out in chilly weather meant I could wear my Gok Wan (for British supermarket, Sainsburys) dress. It is one of the most flattering dresses I have ever worn.

I wish I could show you my Megan Draper style make up but you'll have to imagine it. Plenty of heavy kohl, layers of mascara and nude lips. You can just see my hair, I had lots of fun backcombing it. My get up was very different to what I usually wear but I like it, I think it's good to mix things up.

Speaking of mixing things up we decided to check out new territory too. We went to South Wharf, where several new restaurants and bars have sprung up to some very good reviews. It was very refreshing to be out somewhere where we never usually venture. We chatted to plenty of boys, laughed lots, had a bit of a dance and maybe a cheeky pash but we all went home alone to wake up feeling very special this morning.

My friends have been truly wonderful at rallying round after my break up so I know I'll be OK. I will be filling it with laughs and distractions. Plus, my ex is the one who's really missing out as you'd have to be bloody stupid to dump these curves...am I right?

FF xo.

Four months in forty minutes.

It's been a while.

To cut a long story short, my ongoing work with a psychologist combined with a few privacy issues took the edge off my need to blog, so we took a little hiatus.

So what's been happening?

Good stuff:

• I lost 10 kilos (but kept those all important curves) on my "Lite n Easy and Lindy Hop" regime which I started purely out of laziness and the desire to avoid washing up at all costs. 

• I have really improved my Swing Dancing and have travelled interstate to participate in workshops and exchanges. I have now been dancing for ten months. 

• As a result of the two points above, I have a whole wardrobe full of new retro style dresses which will be shown at various intervals no doubt. 

• There has been a huge shift of energy within my social group. People seem to be much more open; positive; relaxed and willing to do things. There has been so many social events happening and some new additions to the group, who have in turn brought new energy. Perhaps this correlates with my female friends' sudden switch to singledom, perhaps it doesn't but this new energy has brought with it new experience and a much more solid support network. I no longer feel displaced or on the peripheral and it's been wonderful. 

• My best friend from Uni has moved to Brisbane. It is great having my friend on the  same timezone and only 2 hours flying time away.

• Those of you that have kept up to date with my updates on twitter may already know about this one BUT for those of you that don't it's quite a biggie... as I stopped obsessively looking and then suddenly found myself a boyfriend. A (ridiculously) handsome, interesting and funny one at that. With that came increased confidence a wealth of experiences, all the experiences I felt I was missing out on when I was the only singleton in a sea of couples. 

Not so good stuff: 

• Of course it is not all a bed of roses, relationships never are and I found myself thrown head first into a whole new set of psychologies, rules and anxieties. For years I thought that a relationship was the magic fix I was needing, that if I could find someone to validate me all my insecurities would disappear.... Whilst I could write a whole other post about the mood-enhancing benefits of the endorphins released by regular sex, I soon found that a relationship was not the quick fix I was seeking. My insecurities were (and indeed are) still there, just being triggered by different things. I worried that I was not enough for my boyfriend. The fact that he was in the middle of a messy divorce, having been with the same woman for 9 years (who had a bad habit of calling and messaging on Sunday mornings and public holidays) did not help the situation one bit, but that's another post. 

• A close friend has also struggled with the black dog. I was suddenly watching someone deal with the very same illness that started to manifest within me this time last year. I was at the receiving end of the same broken, illogical and blinkered messages, late night phone calls and cloak and dagger tweets and status updates that I was churning out for most of last winter. It has been a huge challenge, being reminded about what I went through and seeing a friend in such obvious pain. Thankfully they are now making huge steps forward. I keep reminding them about my "lightbulb epiphany" theory, when moments of realisation and clarity will appear suddenly when least expected, thankfully with a lasting impact. 

• Work is "meh" not good, not bad. Just so-so. I still worry about my colleagues' perceptions of me in the light of last year's events. I do not feel overwhelmed or swamped with work but sometimes I feel as if I am in a "milk monitor" type role. (Yes that is based on the hugely un-pc view that teachers would make the "special" kids milk monitors...watch the UK Office!) I am sometimes unmotivated as a result of this but is it better than feeling under pressure and overworked? Not sure. I look at my friends and wonder if they have similar feelings about their jobs? Wouldn't we all rather go out drinking and shopping and for brunch than work?  I  will often get a combined feeling of guilt and panic about being a sponsored employee. I feel guilty about feeling "meh" about my job and I also panic in case they fire me and I lose my visa and right to stay here.  To sum up: I still worry obsessively about being fired. 

• So many distractions mean that I have had very little contact with my family back home. Cue regular feelings of guilt and general sense of "bad daughterness". 

• My housekeeping skills and declined at an alarming rate. I have become so untidy recently. I feel dirty and disgusting and lazy but still don't get motivated to do stuff. Sometimes I have "Home Alone" type moments with my housemates where I want to scream and jump up and down on my bed yelling "I'M LIVING ALONE, I'M LIVING ALONE" a la Macauly Culkin c. 1994. I think my dodgy sharehouse furniture has contributed to my lack of motivation around the house, as let's face it, no matter how clean and tidy the place is, it's still going to look SHIT with it's old thrifted furniture and mismatched crap lying around. I sometimes think I'd like my own place, but then I think about how much of my paycheck I DON'T spend on rent each month... and I forget my sharehouse anxiety. 

• I may or may not have been overdoing the alcohol... 

• Again, my fellow twitterers may be aware of this point as well, but whilst my relationship was great and my boyfriend seemed to be the answer to my prayers, in this cruel game called life it was not meant to be. I returned from an interstate trip only for my "amazing" boyfriend to declare that he "doesn't want" me "was no longer excited or interested in you and the relationship" and "getting bored [of you]" oh and that he "didn't miss" me when I had been interstate (despite text messages to the contrary) and that it "might be easier if I had stayed in Perth" all whilst still in the car from the airport on the WESTERN FUCKING RING ROAD!! I wanted to do this...

(that's jump out of a moving car AND make out with Ryan Gosling!) As if I needed another reason to despise the ring road, although he could have done it on the Westgate Bridge I suppose, that would have been worse. I was shocked, numb and hurt. It would have hurt enough without my self esteem issues thrown in for good measure. I am still numb and hurt. How could he suddenly act like this? What had I done wrong? What was wrong with me? I practically begged him for more time to work on what was wrong. He flatly refused. He did follow up with an explanation about how his marriage had taught him that "when things break, they should be thrown out immediately as there's no point fixing something that's broken." I was reeling. I still am to a point but, there has been some other thoughts, leading me to...

Reflective Stuff: 

• My boyfriend's (or ex's, I guess) cold change of heart has brought up a lot of issues. Of course, I questioned, would he have done this if I was prettier, blonder, slimmer? I blamed myself and begged him to tell me what was wrong with me. (And yes, men, "It's not you, it's me" is a tired and worn out cliche!) When I was in the relationship, I questioned whether I would ever be able to compare to his ex wife, if his one word answers or desire to stay in meant that he was losing interest in me, I questioned why someone that good looking was even with me in the first place.

• There were times where I wondered IS IT ALL WORTH IT? As I was doing fine on my own. I was out with my girlfriends and As soon as I declared how good things were and how I was in a  really happy place, BAM! In walked my ex and the rest was history. They really do say that if you stop looking, it happens (please let this be untrue this Saturday night...I'm on the rebound!) and to pull out yet another tired and worn out cliche "no one will love you until you love yourself". I was fine, really fine on my own and now my relationship and its untimely death has caused me to question my self worth again. 

• That said, I have now realised that I am not so much hurt by the loss of my boyfriend and relationship, but by his cruel words and bad timing. If he thinks about me and speaks to me like that (and BREAKS UP WITH ME ON THE RING ROAD!!)  he is NOT WORTH being with.

• The demise of my relationship means no more CityLink tolls!!  

• My friends have been fantastic after this break up. Seriously. I could not ask for better friends. Their kind, yet honest words have been invaluable as have their distraction techniques. 

• My dancing is ON FIRE, even if I do say so myself. My dancing gives me confidence, a great figure and chances are if you are at a loss one evening you can usually find a class or social to go to and now I'm single again I have more time to do this. 

• I did pull a handsome, attractive, interesting man, even when surrounded by girls (my friends included) that I perceived to be hotter than me. That man was eating out of my hand for a substantial part of our relationship and it was he who suggested "making it official" in the first place. On a purely superficial level, I can do it, I can get men (hot ones) to sleep with me and take me out! I am neither repulsive or invisible. I was fighting off the men on my recent trip to Perth (Why didn't I go home with the hot sailor on shore leave?!?! Out of respect for the man who dumped me on the Ring Road...GODDARNIT!)

• The fact that I am thinking the above thoughts is a huge breakthrough for me. I feel like it'll be OK. Yes, there will be challenges. I have yet to decide what to do about our mutual friends. I know that my friends had a lot of time for him too. How will I cope if they end up meeting up with him? I've yet to get drunk too, who's to know what'll happen when I do (this weekend) will I break down? Will I drunk dial? Will I muster up the balls to go and find myself a rebound (hopefully the latter). What if Mr. "I-don't-want-to-be-in-a-relationship" ends up dating someone else within weeks or months? What if he is/was still in love with his wife? But on the whole, I've been doing better than I thought (apart from the sicky the next day but we all need to wallow, right?) I've been blasting out upbeat swing and jazz music mixed with cheesy 90's dance and Morrissey's OK By Myself. 

It's been a mixed bag but I'm pretty impressed with how I'm dealing with it. 

I think I'll be fine. 

FF xo

PS. Did you miss me? 

2011 is not quite done with me yet.

I write this post in the cataclysmic aftermath of what was quite possibly one of my worst depressive episodes to date. Yes, it happened yesterday.  I feel numb and broken, raw and exposed. It's as if the protective skin that I've built up over the past 6 months or so has been ripped off, leaving me vulnerable and naked again.

I suppose I should give you some context to the episode. You can find that here, with further elaboration here. I am now hanging my head in shame that my trigger was a man. I feel like all my hard work has been undone. Back to square one I go.

So, by now you will have read that DS and I have known each other for 2 years. Through conversation and hindsight we established that we both had feelings for another but various circumstances kept things from developing further until June. He is not some guy that I just met, there's history there.

You should also have gathered that he went overseas. Yesterday he returned.

We continued our usual flirty Facebook correspondence and it developed into a plan. I was going to pick him up from from the airport; drive him to his storage locker; help him sort stuff out; drive him to the house he was sitting;  hang out and have beers and I'd crash at the house he was sitting. Naturally, I was  all kinds of ecstasy and excitment as I had missed him so much. There was a lot of unfinished business and issues that needed clarification and I had been anticipating what might be for a long time. Of course, I knew that there was always the possibility that we'd be on different pages but I had clung on to so much of what he said to me before I left and I let that develop into some pretty strong and heady feelings for him.
My car was buzzing with electric energy as I tried to stay within the 80kmh limit on the Ring Road to the Airport.

The first part of the plan went a-ok. With his flight on time he was waiting for me as I pulled up at the terminal, too easy might be the appropriate description. We also found the self storage locker and got in with no hassles. 20 minutes sorting stuff out and checking that the car started, then the beers could commence.

The car didn't start, he'd forgotten to disconnect the battery.

He'd also driven in, so jump starting from my car was impossible. Oh, and he'd left the fuel tank completely empty. There was only one option: The RACV. When they turned up about half an hour later, they jump started his car and said that the battery would be fine, all he needed to do was drive it around for a bit to charge the battery and with that the RACV man and his van full of batteries drove off into the distance.

With the car ticking over we headed off on a drive around the back roads of the airport to get some charge into the battery. As the car was running fine he decided it might be a good idea to take two cars worth of stuff back to the house he was sitting to sort out. So after driving for half an hour we stopped to get some fuel as the needle was well on the red. Of course, the car wouldn't restart. We tried jump starting off my car but to no avail. It was time to call the RACV again.

It was a scorching 35 degree day, with very little shade and we alternated between my car and aircon and the shade outside a 7-11 in a very questionable suburb. When the next RACV man arrived he declared the battery to be "rooted" and then announced that he didn't have one. We needed to wait for RACV van number three. Three hours had passed before his car started and we were able to convoy home. Three hours in the sun dodging bogans. Fun.

During this time we make plans to meet another mutual friend for beers. He'd come over to us on the train. We'd drink together. Our friend is also battling depression and is struggling to deal with a recent breakup. We planned operation distraction.

We pulled into a supermarket close to the house to stock up on bread, milk and beer. DS also bought an 18 pack of condoms.

By the time we'd finished the shop our friend called to say he was at the local station so we picked him up and drove home.

We sorted out the shopping and mulled over a plan, all the while catching up. Like DS, I had prepared for all eventualities and had a couple of dresses packed as well as an overnight kit. I'd also been to Myer and spent $150 on new lingerie. Some of it was needed though. As we mulled over a plan, which included whether or not I needed to change to go out I asked DS for to come through to the bedroom to help me pick an outfit. Of course, I was going to change right in front of him and show him my new, exceptionally sexy undies. As I mulled over dresses and unbuttoned my jeans, he shut the door.

Score! I thought to myself. My underwear was a worthwhile investment.

But instead of helping me with my jeans, he took my hand and sat us down on the bed.

I knew what was coming as soon as he did this. I think you guys do too.

"I have a Thai girlfriend..." He said. At that moment. The bombs started exploding in my head. I tried to be cool and my first response was "I can't say I'm surprised!" I felt all the colour drain from my face and my head started spinning.  DS continued,

"But she's given me permission to have sex with whoever I want, so it's up to you."

Great. A moral and ethical decision for me. Not to mention, the dreaded 'other women' that we all know that my main trigger is being seen as inferior when compared to other women.

My head was spinning as I made up a pros and cons list in my head. I considered honest, reliable friends that I could poll and get that decision made for me but my thoughts were marred because DS was still talking. He was talking about his Thai girlfriend's ever so liberal attitude to sex. That it was a primal function that "you just do". My head started filling with thoughts of some wanton sex goddess whose standards I couldn't match. I told him to stop talking and headed out to our other friend. He guessed what the issue was straight away and he said that it was DS's dilemma and not mine. My housie then text at the same time and I sought her opinion too. Her words were almost identical. "It's not your problem if he chooses to be a jerk. Do what you feel you want. I would". Best of three, I thought to myself and made two long distance calls home to my agony aunt and uncle. Both of them said do it, enjoy it, you know the score and it's the perfect arrangement. One of them pointed out how the 20 year old me saw other women as competition and secretly enjoyed the thrill of being with someone who was taken. That someone wanted me so much that they were willing to cheat on their girlfriends and in one case, their fiancees.

My head was spinning. I was wrestling my feelings for him and my desire to have him right there and then with sheer heartbreak. That once again, someone I wanted, wanted a relationship with another woman. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough? Why couldn't I with him?

I made my first really stupid decision of the night there and then. That I would have a few drinks, go with the flow and see how I felt. Stupid decision as I was drinking with boys. At their pace.

We cranked the music up and soon the beer was flowing. We sang to shit songs and danced and yarned. Occasionally DS would leave to do more unpacking or to take phone calls. Sometimes he brushed past me and stroked my thigh or slapped my arse in a playful way. At other times I would try and reciprocate the gesture and got a cool response. LL changed the playlist to The Sound of The Smiths. I made another stupid decision right there. I would let Morrissey decide. At that moment, Morrissey crooned:

All men have secrets and here is mine 
So let it be known 
For we have been through hell and high tide 
I can surely rely on you ...
And yet you start to recoil 
Heavy words are so lightly thrown 
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you 

So, what difference does it make ? 
So, what difference does it make ? 
It makes none 
But now you have gone 
And you must be looking very old tonight 


The devil will find work for idle hands to do 
I stole and I lied, and why ? 
Because you asked me to ! 
But now you make me feel so ashamed 
Because I've only got two hands 
Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh 


So, what difference does it make ? 
Oh, what difference does it make ? 
Oh, it makes none 
But now you have gone 
And your prejudice won't keep you warm tonight 


Oh, the devil will find work for idle hands to do 
I stole, and then I lied 
Just because you asked me to 
But now you know the truth about me 
You won't see me anymore 
Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh 


But no more apologies 
No more, no more apologies 
Oh, I'm too tired 
I'm so sick and tired 
And I'm feeling very sick and ill today 
But I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh 



It felt as if the song had been written about us, for us, for that exact situation. 


TBC. 

2011 in review

2011 will go down in history as the Double D year, for it has been dominated by Depression and Dancing.


Thankfully my recent abstinence from blogging has been a consequence of the latter. I have thrown myself into it with stupendous gusto. Sometimes I have minor freakouts about the amount of dancing I do and the enthusiasm I have, particularly for social dancing, when I have only been dancing since late July. Sometimes I feel super confident and happy with the progress I have made and then very occasionally I feel like a "wannabe" who looks the part but can't really dance well. I worry that people think that I think I'm better than I really am. Or that they just think I'm shit and shouldn't be out on the social floor at all! Those sort of mindsets are definitely a consequence of the former.

The year started off with a visit home to England and a trip to Paris where I bought some Chanel. I returned to Australia to start a new job that had offered me a lifeline at the end of 2010. I had been offered the job after my previous employers had to give my contract renewal to someone else who had "priority status". Despite working in the same industry I found my new role and expectations significantly different to my previous job and constantly obsessed about how I was being perceived by my new employers. I always felt I was not good enough and convinced myself that the only reason I had my job was because my previous boss had 'convinced' my new boss to hire me by hamming up my references. Incidentally, my ex boss planted this idea in my head when he was berating me for telling other colleagues, my friends about my job offer before him. It's amazing how we take things to heart isn't it?

So, I anxiously pushed through up until late May/early June and every day became harder. Again, I became convinced that this was my fault, that I couldn't take it, that I wasn't up to the task. I became more erratic. Forgetting meetings and important tasks like replying to emails and returning calls. I was always tired and finally collapsed at work due to sheer exhaustion. Incidentally, I was also suffering from anemia. I felt completely worthless. My limbs and joints would feel heavy and ache constantly. I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. I couldn't feel positive about anything or muster any happy emotion whatsoever. Everything was grey, not black but dull; dreary; shadowy grey.

Thankfully, my new boss a very modern attitude towards mental health and saw it as a flaw in chemistry rather than character and allowed me to take the necessary time off work in order to get the help I needed. It took me a while to adjust and see his attitude as concern as opposed to criticism but eventually had a eureka moment and took myself off to see a psychologist. I had 6 weeks off work and was given a new role and my position was re-advertised and filled by another female of a similar age and experience to me. I will admit that there is a part of me that still struggles with this fact and still thinks that every single person from the manager to the maintenance man compares me with her. The new role was much more manageable and I found that I was taking less work home. I still worried that my colleagues saw it as some sort of nursery role but as the year went on, I realised that so many of my colleagues were dealing with, or had dealt varying degrees of mental health issues as well. I was also secretly relieved to discover that my replacement was struggling with similar things to me.

My depression also tested many of my friendships. I would hermit and make no contact with anyone and find myself getting angry and upset when nobody called me. I also became paranoid that as my friends that I had met when I first moved here became more established and expanded their friendships group, bringing new people into out midst, it was because I wasn't good enough for them. I didn't have the confidence to engage with these new people and felt hostile towards them because I thought they were pushing me out. That vicious cycle was at it's most tumultuous between March and July this year. One friendship was particularly strained. Although I learnt not to take her flightiness personally, I still, occasionally find myself becoming frustrated with her and her on-off-on-off relationship. I've learnt to take it at face value. As my confidence slowly returned, I accepted more invitations and sent my own. I initiated contact and felt slightly better. Facebook politics have challenged this new found confidence to a degree but I am feeling slightly better about this as time goes on.

I was perpetually aware of my lack of confidence and thought that a suitable remedy for this would be to put myself out there on the market. To play the dating game and hopefully find someone to validate me and make me feel worthwhile.  I initially went about this by starting online dating again. In the past I had got dates, I had had men interested in me so why the hell not? Of course, there'd been some disasters too but as far as I was concerned, nothing would boost my confidence more than multiple dates. I came across T, who would soon be rechristened as Gnasher. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and T and I shoudn't have gone on any more dates after the first one. We were never going to work out. I was not attracted to him but continued to date him because I thought that because I was so unattractive, I should give him a chance because I hoped that men would do the same thing to me: try and see beyond the physical attributes. He was a lovely guy who meant so well but our outlooks on society, politics and lifestyle were so different, he began to irritate me, and I probably irritated him.  At the same time, my depression was strengthening and he succumbed to my hermit treatment, with his calls and texts going unanswered.  I bumped into him by chance four months later in September and we went out for dinner a few times a friends, until he touched a raw nerve with an insensitive comment about my illness and I walked out on him and never spoke to him again.

Another strategy I tried was speed dating. It was unsuccessful as let's face it, when you have a perpetual fear of being misjudged, or even judged, period, putting yourself in a situation where people have to pass judgement after five minutes, isn't exactly the smartest move ever, is it? My attempts to be "open minded" and tick 'yes' to nearly everyone only set me up for more disappointment.

I had sex a grand total of twice this year. In the space of a week. I'll be honest that that total has not exactly helped to raise my pitiful self esteem but the guy and the situation did. The complexity of the situation with DS going overseas gave me something else to focus on besides greyness. Be it "what might have been?", "What'll happen when he comes back?"or "Holy crap someone wanted to touch me!" Incidentally, he's back next week and I am trying not to get my hopes up or start setting expectations. Dancing with him was what gave me the final push to step into a class and start learning properly.

My Nana passed away in November this year and due to work commitments and lack of funds, I was unable to get home for the funeral. It was very challenging being so detached from everyone and everything, not to mention guilty. The downside of expat living reared its ugly head in this respect. I tried hard to focus on happy memories and good times and in many ways not having to experience a funeral has made this somewhat easier. She was not comfortable for the last year of her life so in many ways it was a release for her but I was shell shocked and in a strange way I felt as if society and convention expected me to feel and act a certain way. It was a very sharp crash back down to earth.


2011 was a very challenging year but I have found some light at the end of the tunnel through my dancing which has introduced me to a whole new social group and given me something else to focus on other than greyness. Of course, it wasn't a magic wand and I have spent alot of time working with a psych and had to push myself consistently. I have been able to channel my love of the early 20th century. Indeed this year I have become more comfortable with my vintage style and I love having red hair! Something I tried out this year. I have had to muster up the confidence to ask strangers to dance and adapt to new dancing styles and different leads, as well as struggling with how I'm being perceived and worrying occasionally about being compared to other follows (There are two in my class who can occasionally make me feel crap) but on the whole I love it. I am beating myself up about not starting earlier because then I'd be much better than I am now.  I have met others who have also found confidence and distraction through dancing. They have helped me realise that I am not alone. Draper is struggling with personal problems and as a result I have not seen much of him since I blogged about him.  However, he can be credited with sizable increases to myself esteem.

By November the dynamics in my friendship group changed again, meaning everyone was single again and readjusting to this was a bit of a shock. It had taken me the best part of 18 months to fully adjust to the new energy in the group and now it had changed again. People's outlooks changed and I was a little  disappointed with the way some people within our group suddenly turned their backs on one of our friends after his relationship ended. I see him struggling to cope with many issues that I too have struggled with and in many ways it reminds me of my worst.

On the whole, things have got better towards the end of the year. I can see what I need to work on and have set myself manageable goals for work, dancing and interpersonal relationships. It's not going to be easy and there's still a long way to go but I can see things getting better. I am going to stay on my own. That cliche about nobody being able to love you until you love yourself has some truth to it. I know that much of my depression stems from low self esteem and a perpetual fear of being judged inferior when compared to others, working out that trigger has taken a good 6 months of therapy and I can see that it is deep rooted, possibly as far back as early childhood. On a bossy note, I urge anyone who is reading this and seeing grey to seek help. It makes a world of difference.

Not the easiest of years, but not without its positives.

FF xo

Red, White and Blue.

50's Dress: Episode

I put in a 40's style back roll after about an hour of uncooperative victory roll related frustration. I think it turned out OK. 

Red Seamed Stockings: What Katie Did.

I am loving red seams at the moment. 

Not bad for a first attempt. 

Where's the Sisterhood?

Anyone who knows, or indeed follows me, knows my thoughts about being single. They know I’ll bring it up every second day or chuck it in every few posts or so, just to let them know my thoughts on the subject haven’t changed in the past few days.

They all know the main reason for my concern obsession is that within our friendship group, for around eighteen months, I was the only single person. Those demographics have shifted somewhat now  people have split up and new people have moved in and out of the group, but the roots had already been anchored in my head. I was the only single person, in the history of the world... ever!

The seed was almost certainly planted during my travels. There’s only so much eating alone in hostel common rooms, exploring cities on your own or burying valuables in the sand before going swimming that you can take before you seriously start to wonder if you are the only singleton in the entire universe. I have been single for 34 of the 38 months I have been in Melbourne and was 21 when I got out of my last serious relationship. I have dated in that time, who hasn’t? But alas, nothing ever passed the magic 4^th date (although it did provide me with some rather interesting blogging material!) The last year has been a particularly substantial drought, during which time it only rained twice. It seemed everyone I met had a partner and those men sitting by themselves at the bar or in cafes were simply waiting on their beautiful girlfriends. I despaired and obsessed further, I was clearly destined to be single forever.

Forever the third wheel.

Forever at the head of the table.

Even this chair on Brighton Beach today was twisting the knife and reminding me that my book was not sufficient company...

Doesn't it make you a little bit sick?

Last week however, there was a storm, something that completely uprooted the tree and its roots. It was fast and sudden, almost tornado like in its nature and its ability to leave me spinning and reeling emotionally from it. 

And no, before you ask, I did not meet anyone, or even get a kiss for that matter. I. Am. Still. Very. Clearly. Single.

I went to a friend’s birthday, it was a 20’s theme so I was very much enjoying getting my flapper on. It started mid afternoon and continued well into the night, and yes, we had all been drinking continuously during that time. The friend in question, The Fellow Brit, has a circle of friends that closely resembles a spirograph pattern, with lots of smaller circles branching off the centre. She is someone who does ‘girly girl’ friendships very well and doesn’t have a lot of male friends.  The demographics of this particular event meant that everyone was in their groups of four or five and occasionally diffusing into other groups. There were only about two guys there, both with partners (see it’s the theory again!) I was happy and comfortable, warmed by wine and emitting a dangerously red glow as a result. Then at around 8pm, the whole vibe changed completely, and I do not exaggerate when I say this.  My friend, The Free Spirit invited along her male friend, let’s call him Average Joe for the purpose of this post. Not to be derogatory or disrespectful here (because that’s not what we’re about!) but he was just a normal guy, not Comic Book Guy’s twin but there was nothing drop-dead-and-hope-you’ve-a-change-of-underwear gorgeous about him either. I’d actually met him once before, albeit briefly and he was a nice guy. To put it simply. He was a guy. A normal single guy, nothing more and nothing less.

It was with his arrival that the energy of the room and the mood of the party totally shifted.  In that instant. A lot of the girls started standing up straighter and smiling coyly. They  all began to direct all of their energy towards Average Joe. It really was quite unbelievable. One girl was particularly predatory, quite literally trebuchet-ing herself at him. The Free Spirit, who had earlier decided that The Maneater was her new BFF after a particularly engaging conversation over a cigarette, admired her “fiestiness” whilst I stood there, completely agog. This girl made Samantha Jones look shy! I had never seen anything so ruthless before. I have seen girls who see what they want and go for it but never on this scale.

I stood there meekly and prayed that her manner would send Average Joe running for the hills, not because I was particularly interested in him, but because if this kind of extrovert and overconfident behaviour was what was required to hold a man’s attention then I was fucked. There was no way in hell I could ever have that much confidence and quite literally catapult myself at a man head on. Of course, he totally bought it and my heart sank. Again, not because he didn't "pick me" but because of the level of confidence and effort required to complete the sale!

The sudden change of atmosphere in that room as soon as he walked in sent a resounding message that hit me with the speed and force of a freight train: I am NOT the only single person in the world, far from it. Not only that but my fellow singletons are ruthless! The Maneater did not care that I was in the middle of a conversation with Average Joe. To her it was a case of kill or be killed, as Dating Darwinism means outrunning any competition, no matter what the cost.

I do not have the confidence to do that. I don’t think I’ll ever have the confidence to do that.  Do I really have to do that?

Is this what the dating world has come to?

Please say no…

FF xo 

Attempting to break out of the Alcohol Cycle.

Over the course of the last month the correlation between my depressive moods and drinking alcohol has been too strong to ignore.  It is with this in mind that I have made the decision to try and quit drinking, at least on a trial basis. I am aiming for at least six weeks sober to see if it makes any difference to my moods. 

I am really nervous to be honest, as I rely on a drink to help me relax in social situations and the more I think about it, the more I am realising just how difficult it's going to be. I mean, alcohol is just so embedded into Australian (and indeed British) culture and there is pressure to drink coming from every angle. In the winter, I loved curling up in front of the fire with a glass of pinot noir and turning down an ice cold beer on a hot summer day is going to be so tough, as is refusing a martini in an elegant jazz bar. 

I don't know whether to tell my friends about my decision, I expect I will though. Perhaps the thing I am most afraid of is the possibility of finding out that my friendships here are held together by the ritual of drinking. I expect it'll be at social gatherings that I struggle most with sobriety because of social anxiety and my severe hatred of feeling left out. 

Driving will help me. I've certainly noticed that more extreme depression kicks in when I don't drive and therefore have had more than two standard drinks. Having had my car since January, I've been drinking less and therefore been able to notice a pattern. I also wonder if I have become more of a 'binge drinker' since having the car, as I tend to go hard when I know I don't have to worry about driving, I 'go hard' and almost always wind up feeling down about something at some point or I wake up with crippling anxiety about whether or not I made a tit out of myself. Some say that alcohol is not necessarily a depressant but that it simply exaggerates your state of mind, if that is the case then surely abstinence is the best thing for me, at least until I can sort my shit out. 

Driving has enabled me to forsee some of the challenges that lie ahead. Although in my opinion, Australia is slightly better than the UK at responsible service of alcohol there is considerable room for improvement. Perhaps the biggest area for improvement is the attitude of bar staff. Don't get me wrong, they are great at telling people when they've had too much and not serving ridiculously drunk people but I find their attitude, which often manifests as an  eye-roll or a raised eyebrow and on one occasion a scoff when a soft drink is ordered, to be completely unacceptable. I should NOT have to justify my choice of a soft drink with a casual 'I'm driving' and yet nine times out of ten I feel I have to. It is incredibly frustrating that non drinkers are looked upon as weak or pathetic or  uptight or uncool by bar staff and patrons and I anticipate this will be one of the biggest challenges in my mission. Today was no exception, as I went to dance class and for the first time ever, did not choose to arrive early and gulp down a glass of red wine as I waited and this was noted by several people. I found myself going to great lengths to explain myself. 

Yet another challenge is that whilst drinkers have a whole bar full to choose from, non drinkers are pretty much limited to coke; lemonade; water of some description or fruit juice (and more often than not, bars will only tend to stock apple and orange juice ). Given that the only juice I like is cranberry juice (I DETEST orange juice with a passion!!!) four choices is extremely limiting. Coke, lemonade, water (tonic, soda, mineral...all water at the end of the day) or juice. None of those are exactly a party in your mouth are they? Some of the more accommodating bar staff will jazz up a lemonade with a sprig of mint or on one occasion, basil but it's still just boring, bland lemonade.  I wish there was a softie that could emulate the crispness of a Marlborough sauvignon blanc or the heady dryness of a sloe gin martini... Yup,  this sure is going to be tough. 

I am a fiddler. That sounds rude but it really isn't. More often than not, out of sheer anxiety I need to do something with my hands. When I am out it is usually my drink that ends up being 'fiddled with', closely followed by my phone. I find that alcohol helps me forget about my need to fiddle and the fiddling tends to decrease when my booze consumption increases. I expect I will temporarily replace drinking with smoking in order to fill this gap. I am a social smoker (read WHEN I DRINK!!) and I KNOW I am going to need to keep my hands busy and have something to calm my nerves. Yes, it's bad and probably slightly weak of me but at the moment, smoking is the lesser of two evils because it is not fucking with my head. 

I have found an unlikely ally in my quest for sobriety in the form of Draper, who was the only person to come out and say "good on you" when everyone else was more interested in asking 'why?" and added that he had been sober for almost a year. He is so relaxed and confident and it is really encouraging to learn that someone THAT confident and THAT relaxed, not to mention someone THAT age and THAT attractive can also be sober. 

I'd appreciate any comments or advice from anyone who has given up drinking, for whatever reason before. If you have any positive stories I'd love to hear them as I don't think it's healthy for me to be elevating Draper any higher in my own mind. He is a lovely, lovely guy but I can't help but think back to the pain I felt when the whole WG situation never materialised last year. I cannot put myself through that again, especially now I'm not allowed to get paralytic in order to forget about it.

So, here goes nothing....

FF xo